A Working Mother's Laments
Thursday, June 24, 2010 REMINDER: I'M READING/SIGNING TONIGHT IN LOS ANGELES, PLEASE COME TO BORDERS WESTWOOD AT 7PM!!
So I'm day four into my trip, and it's time that I admit something: I need this. I needed this very, very, very much. In my interviews, I often get asked how I juggle it all - working and motherhood to two relatively young children and the rest of, well, life - and I always give an honest answer: I just do it. I always say that I'm no different than any other working mom and that things fall into place because they have to and because I wake up every day and put one foot in front of the other and somehow, everything gets done, and in that sense, I'm no different than a million other mothers out there. It's no harder and no easier for me than it is for anyone else.
And yet. And yet the truth is, these past few months have been ridiculously exhausting. With all of the above elements, I am drained. Spent. And I know that it was showing in everything about how I've been carrying myself around my house. A shorter fuse. Restless nights when stress wakes me up at 2:30, and then my kids wake me up again a few hours later. A husband who - to no fault of his own - has had to travel for days and weeks for his own work. The launch of this book, the deadline of my next one looming. It's no wonder that I'm exhausted. I don't know a working mom who isn't.
So on Monday, when I said goodbye to my kids, it was with a strange mix of sadness (yes, I cried) and euphoria at the idea of having a few days for, well, me. I was teary all the way to the airport and then the plane took off, and I exhaled, and I thought, "Well, alright." My husband called that night once I landed, and he was assuredly in charge of things on the home front (it's amazing what they can do when you let them), and said, "You know, you need this." And again, I exhaled because he was so, so right. The first day in Seattle, I literally don't think - with the exception of Starbucks employees and the kind man at the MAC counter, that I spoke to anyone. I needed quiet. I just wanted to be alone. To go back to my hotel and take a long shower and a nap if I so chose. (I did.)
I miss my kids but I also miss being cheerful and having reserves of energy that moms need to have to enjoy these early years. These few days off are replenishing me. I'm working yes - going to readings - but that's for me. And I love that. And when I return to them on Sunday, I have 100% confidence that we'll all be better off for the fact that I took a little break. That I slept. That I said, "Enough of this juggling for now," and took a few balls out of the air. I can't wait to see them. I'm already burning with anticipation of it. But in the meantime, I'll take a long walk, inhale the sunny Los Angeles air, and replenish. It's the best gift a working mom can give to herself - and her family.
Working moms - have you ever reached that point of total burnout? If so, how have you dealt with it?
Reader Comments (22)
I am a working mother, and I have def. reached the breaking point. At one time I was working two teaching jobs-one full time, one part time-while my husband stayed home with our child and worked on his business. I was beyond stressed. So what did I do???? I quit my part time job. We cut back on our expenses, and my husband upped his work load a little. I am much happier now.
Enjoy your time alone!
What a beautifully written post, and so true. It mirrors my feelings exactly. I'm in the same boat you are, A, with the kids and work and life. I'm so glad you got your much-deserved break, and I hope one is around the corner for me too! :) I was up at 5 this morning with the 3 year old. 5 is NOT a human hour. Sarah xo
Thank you for sharing this validating post. When mothers admit to each other that they can't do it all, yell at their children, and feel like being stranded on a desert island would be a fabulous turn of events it is truly a gift.
You have beautifully articulated this dilemma of working moms everywhere. Of all moms, actually. We all need our break but we feel guilty when we take it. I have always felt the greatest gift for me is the ability to MISS my kids once in a while. It does us all good.
My little one is 16 months old and I'm convinced he has decided learn everything about the world by the end of the month. I used to be able to get my freelance work done while he contentedly played with his toys, but lately, all he's wanted to do is climb, jump off of things, and generally live for danger.
As we moms need to do periodically, I need to be elastic - to bend and flex to accommodate the new dynamics. But I'm in a perpetual state of being behind on work, which leads to our good ol' friend BURNOUT.
To cope? Accept that I'm not going to get as much done as I used to, what with saving my child's life 80 times per day. Oh, and yoga. Yoga helps.
Enjoy your time away and the opportunity to replenish your reserves.....just think how happy your kids will be to see you when you get back!
I'm a stay at home mom and I definitely feel the same way sometimes. My girls are 16 and 12 and the incredible mental energy it takes to get them through these trying, difficult ages is enormous! My energy, both mental and physical, is completely zapped by evening. I send them to sleep away camp/activities for a few weeks each summer, mostly because they love it, but partially because I just really need that recharging break. It does wonders!
My girls are teenagers now, but I so remember those days of constant need. It is exhausting and draining for mothers who are the repository for all that need. There were days, I thought I would have a breakdown trying to balance my life while raising my 3 beautiful girls. I will say, as a mom, emerging from those years to these years of semi-independent children, that the balancing act is one of the toughest things I ever conquered. And sometimes, I didn't conquer it.
My wonderful husband always insisted I had my me time. Sometimes that was only a night to sneak away and watch a movie, but other times it was full blown getaways, he and I would take together. I always missed my babies, but I came back replenished and ready to jump back into the mayhem.
I don't think you need to be a mom to young kids to experience working mom burnout. My boys are teens and the last twelve months (my husband's travel schedule, my day job, working on my novel, sports schedules and the SAT) have taken their toll on me. This year when summer break hit (I work for the school district) I gave myself permission to rest. I spend the whole school year running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I'm using summer to move slow in June. July is set for deep work on my novel, but I feel ready for it. Taking breaks, big or small, really make a difference.
Hi Allison. That was a very moving post! Congrats on your book launch and readings, again! When I feel exhausted, honestly, I just let my husband know. Communicating is a wonderful thing if you use it! And, a lot of times he can just read it because, like you mention, I'm shorter, my tone of voice is different, I'm more frustrated, and pretty much collasping on the sofa at around 9 pm after a non-stop day of (fill in the blank, you name it, I did it). I'm also very fortunate in that my husband will take our son away for days to visit his parents, to go camping, to do the boy stuff. They really enjoy it, but I also know he does it for me so I can have that break I really need. Once, when they invited me to go along, I just said 'I love you all, but I need me time'. They don't get offended and it gives them time to bond without the overprotective mom with them. Oh, and I also exercise, which believe it or not, gives me energy. I push myself out to exercise even if I'm tired because I know it will be a huge help.
Allison, you're my hero. I still remember when you had your second child and got back to writing the very next day! You definitely deserve a break (as do all the other wonderful moms here), and hope you have a relaxing and refreshing time on your trip.
I think you meant to ask how many times have your reached the point of total burnout? LOL.
Every time I get burned out I discover that the burn is trying to tell me something but I have to put out the fire before I really get it.
I try to stay balanced, moderate, centered, grounded and all of that good stuff...and then I get a ridiculous e-mail that totally flips my switch...or the cat pukes on the carpet...or my daughter starts talking back...or...or...or.
I try to remember that I can't control what happens...I can only control my response to what happens.
And that helps...but usually only a little. ;)
I experience burnout daily! Who knew kids were so exhausting? I'm reading THE HEIGHTS, and this funny line jumped out at me: "Kids go to sleep so their parents can love them again in the morning." Hilarious. I think moms go to sleep so they have the energy to love again in the morning.
Thanks for illustrating the challenges of working moms. Being alone is one of the most precious gifts we can give ourselves. If you enjoy your time away, you'll enjoy your time with your family that much more. Enjoy your book tour. When we moms recharge our batteries, everyone is better off!
For the first time in about five years, I went on a business trip alone for three and a half days. I had some work (classes and a speech) but otherwise, for three days, I got to decide--all on my own--when to sleep, what to do, when to eat, where to eat, what to see in a new city--every decision was mind and made only with what I wanted. It was great! Everyone needs a break. Only lucky people get them though.
I think mom's everywhere can relate. Finding balance is crucial to giving your best to everything. You articulated that so well. Embrace your time and have a wonderful trip!
Allison, this post could not be more timely.
As a new mom working from home (because, as a freelance writer, I feel like I can't really take a maternity leave), I feel like I'm at the breaking point pretty regularly. But as a PP mentioned, talking to your significant other definitely can help. My husband ad I have discussed what might need to be taken off my plate so that I can feel like a normal human being again. And just as importantly, make time to write, which I haven't been able to do since my daughter was born four months ago.
I just have to say thanks for posting this -- it helps to know I'm not the only one feeling this way.
Alison - This is why we love you, your honesty! I also asked you that question in my Q&A and I thought I bet she gets tired of answering it over and over... but clearly the people want to know! ;-) I recently went on a trip on my own to promote my blog and left the kids with my often absentee Husband. When I returned I felt so renewed and happy and thrilled to clearly see the bonding they had done. It was good for us all, all around! Have great time on your tour!
Having that time to yourself is worth its weight in gold! As mom's we try to juggle so many balls, even when our arms scream at us to stop - even if its just for a moment. Burnout is bound to happen, no matter what we do. But I think that if we can have something to look forward to, whether it's a girls weekend away, just an afternoon to yourself and a book, or even that hour in the bathtub - it helps.
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