Query #2 - Great Story, Change the Bio
Tuesday, August 25, 2009 Okay, I really like the below query - great story idea that intrigued me - a little Brave New World meets Fight Club, but I think one thing that could be detrimental is the last paragraph (and the author specifically asked me about this, so I'm allowed to comment on it!). As with yesterday, my comments are in CAPS.
Dear Ms. XXXXX,
What would it take to make you a revolutionary?
I am currently seeking representation for my novel, The Offensive - a tale of oppression and rebellion in a politically correct, dystopic United States. I hope you will feel The Offensive,a thriller with a hint of satire,is a good match for your list. [I'D MOVE THIS SENTENCE TO AFTER THE SUMMARY - IT SORT OF THROWS OFF THE MOMENTUM OF YOUR OPENING QUESTION.]
Two generations from now, freedom of speech is a shell of its original intent, government control and corporate greed pervade every aspect of life, and political correctness has evolved to a point where offending someone is illegal. To relieve stress [MAYBE HEIGHTEN THIS A BIT - "AS THEIR ONLY OUTLET FOR SANITY" OR SOMETHING - "RELIEVE STRESS" SOUNDS LIKE THEY'RE GOING TO PLAY TENNIS], a group of people
meets in secret ["A COVERT GROUP CONVENE"], simply to insult one another using a list of government-banned words they have discovered. Initially content to enjoytheir private rebellion, the group's leaders are forced to make a difficult decision [HEIGHTEN THE STAKES - "MAKE A DIFFICULT DECISION" IS BREAKING UP WITH A BOYFRIEND - THIS IS LIFE OR DEATH!] when members begin to disappear - one even reappearing, a victim of torture -shouldthey go away quietly or begin their own revolution?
The story follows the group's leaders: Warren Ingram, a scientist bored with a job in which all chemicals are replaced by colored inert liquids in order to avoid an accidental discovery that could elevate one scientist's status above that of another; Corrine Blake, a radio talk-show host whose controversial government-mandated topics like Cats or dogs, which do you prefer? are identical on every station across the nation; and Matthew Carter a businessman thrust into a leadership role when his co-worker is abducted and his homoromantic brother is arrested for assault. At 75,000 words, The Offensive asks the question, What happens when ordinary citizens are forced to become revolutionaries?
I hold a B.A. in English from Trenton State College (now The College of New Jersey) and self-published my first novel, Paranoia, in 2008. I chose to self-publish so I could learn about the publishing industry and the work that goes into promoting a book. It was an invaluable experience. Paranoia was met with great reviews, including 5 out of 5 in plot, characterization, and grammar by Writer's Digest judges in the Writer's Digest Self-Published book awards. I am anxious to take the next step in what I know will be a successful writing career and I hope that your agency can be a big part of that. I thank you, in advance, for your time and look forward to hearing from you. [OKAY, THIS IS THE PART I'D CUT. FOR ONE, NO AGENT CARES ABOUT YOU BEING SELF-PUBLISHED SINCE THERE IS NO BARRIER TO ENTRY AND FOR TWO, IT SHOWS THAT YOU DIDN'T GET AN AGENT TO REPRESENT IT THE LAST TIME AROUND. I UNDERSTAND WHY YOU INCLUDED IT - TO DEMONSTRATE YOUR EXPERIENCE WITHIN THE INDUSTRY, BUT I REALLY THINK THIS DOES YOU MORE HARM THAN GOOD. LIKE IT OR NOT, SELF-PUBLISHING IS JUST NOT HIGHLY LOOKED UPON BY THE UPPER ECHELONS OF PUBLISHING. AGAIN, JUST MY OPINION - ANYONE WANT TO SOUND OFF IN THE COMMENTS SECTION?]
Queries
Reader Comments (7)
Allison -
First, thanks for doing this for all the writers! There is so much pressure built up to a query that I think it's harder than writing the book! I have been querying for my novel for about four months with only a few little nibbles.
I agree with your comments above - I have read many times that only information that helps you should be listed in the bio section. If you have major credentials, list them. If you don't, list nothing. Being self published is such a double edge sword as you mentioned because it shows experience and dedication to a project but it also makes an agent question, why wasn't it represented? Or, why are you seeking representation now if you had success before?
For the last paragraph, maybe just list the education credential - and then add that the authors reading has received good reviews from Writers Digest for previous works. Any thoughts on that Allison?
Thanks,
Jim
My only comment is that you need to be very careful posing a question in a query - or so I've heard about a gazillion times. If the agent reading the letter thinks, "Um, nothing could make me a revolutionary" then you have alienated him or her. You take a risk with questions like that making speeches too -- you assume everyone has a similar though in his or her head, but they don't.
As for the self-publishing part, I agree with Allison. If you read the scores of agent, editor, publisher - and even agent/editor's intern blogs out there, you'll see that it doesn't just not help you to mention it -- it hurts you but making you seem less professional (even if that's not the case).
Good luck with your query!!!
Great comments, Allison! I hope the query writer gets as much out of them as I did. :)
One note that has nothing to do with you: The self-pubbed thing really gets me. I'm not even a self-pubbed author, but I think it's ridiculous how much stigma there is against it. I mean, people have all sorts of motives for self-pubbing. A lot of it is simply wanting the experience, like a trial run before the real thing (as this query mentioned) -- NOT that they couldn't get an agent. The two people I know in real life (vs. people I know on the internet) who self-pubbed never even tried to get an agent, because that's not what they wanted at the time. So why should they be penalized if their self-pubbed books DID get good response -- why shouldn't they get to mention it, just because of a stigma?
// end soapbox
Sorry, I just think it's lousy. This is a tough industry, and some people choose to approach it a different way. Why does that have to be looked down on?
I agree with Allison here.
I think mentioning the Self-Publishing isn't bad in itself, but it sound like you're calling yourself a novice, a new-comer, and maybe too inexperienced. You may be 100% qualified, but in so far as you're trying to sell yourself, you might be doing yourself a disservice.
Also, the following sentence, "I chose to self-publish because..." shows that you believe it's necessary to provide an excuse for self-pubbing. As if it is necessary to provide an explanation as to why you self-published, "I know it wasnt the best option, but ... "
A side note related to what Amy posted above: I've been following a lot of agent's blogs and there does seem to be quite a backlash against rhetorical questions in queries. Nathan Bransford in particular had a very funny rant about it a while ago. While doing research for agents, including a check box for "how do they feel about rhetorical questions" is probably a good idea.
I just wanted to thank you all for the feedback (especially you, Allison, for getting this out there). I really struggled with the self-pub portion of it (which is reflected in my 'excuse' for doing it as one commenter mentioned). I had heard mixed responses on whether to include it or not. The first 10 chapters of this novel has been receiving great reviews on authonomy.com, so I'm hopeful, but still no bite in the representation realm. I'll switch up the query a bit based on your suggestions and see where it leads! Thanks again!
I am enjoying these query reviews so much - it's very helpful. Thank you, Allison.
And, a note to the author of the query, your book sounds very interesting. It brought one of my favorite titles, The Handmaid's Tale, to mind. It seems to be just enough like the world we live in but also just enough on the edge to make readers think, "What if?" Best of luck as you pitch The Offensive!