Query # 1 - Just a little more zip
Monday, August 24, 2009 Okay, we're kicking off query week with a query that I think is in pretty good but is also a good example of a lot of what I'm seeing in the queries that were sent to me ...as you'll see below, the author gives a good idea of the specifics of her novel, along with infusing it with some of her own voice. My suggestion, however, is to take it even further. Yes, the plot points are there, but energize this, really, really make it stand out. Because while I think that this is pretty strong, I think the author can take it even farther in making it unique. Remember that agents get hundreds of queries a week, and you need to do EVERYTHING you can to make it stand out. Everything, that is, within professional reason - don't send gifts (as Sarah Pekkanen pointed out) or include any gimmicks. Those just highlight how UNprofessional you are.
So without further ado, the first query, with my suggestions in CAPS. I do want to say - and this holds true for ALL of my thoughts this week - that these are my opinions ALONE, and I am not an agent, just someone who has gotten multiple offers over the years, so I hope that I have a decent idea as to what works. (But again, feel free to disagree with anything I'm suggesting!)
Dear Agent X,
[I'D REWORK THIS FIRST PARAGRAPH - I THOUGHT THE CRUX OF THE BOOK WAS GOING TO BE ABOUT A WOMAN WHO LOST TRACK OF HER LIFE, BUT IT SEEMS LIKE IT'S ABOUT AFTER SHE'S A RADIO HOST, SO YOU DON'T NEED THIS FIRST SENTENCE.) "Somewhere on the way to becoming a wife and mother, Miranda West believed she lost track of who she was and what she wanted to become. So she set out to find that girl and in the process turned her journey into a hot radio show where she helps listeners find success in life and love.
[I THINK YOU COULD COMBINE THIS WITH THE ABOVE, BUT WITH MORE ZIP - I.E - WHAT IF EVERYTHING YOU EVER THOUGHT YOU WANTED PROVED THAT YOU STILL COULDN'T FIND HAPPINESS? THEN WHAT? DO YOU GO BACK TO THE BEGINNING? DO YOU GIVE YOURSELF THE RIGHT TO FALL APART? THESE ARE THE QUESTIONS THAT SUPER-SUCCESSFUL BUT STILL UNFILLED DJ MIRANDA WEST, ETC, ETC, ETC,]Now, seven years later, the life and relationship-mending scenarios Miranda orchestrates has brought her close to the pinnacle of radio success. But behind Miranda’s success facade is a crumbling marriage and the still unanswered question, "Am I who I thought I’d be?". So as talk of syndication swirls, Miranda sweeps her faltering marriage and discontent at life under the rug.
When Miranda is asked to host her 20th class reunion, where former classmate and famous rocker, JT Gracie, will be returning to his roots to promote the release of his new album, she accepts hoping the publicity will boost her audience and seal the syndication deal. But JT Gracie is Miranda’s first love and things never tied up neatly for them. When JT steps on stage and reveals that Miranda is the inspiration behind his new album all eyes and cameras turn toward Miranda.
Miranda's show gets the publicity she wants but the glare of the spotlight and the return of her first love isn't exactly the marriage-mending sceanario she needs. As the spotlight heats up her life, and old, once closed roads open, Miranda has to decide just what it is she wants to be. [THIS READS A LITTLE GENERICALLY TO ME - A LOT OF WOMEN'S FICTION BOOKS ARE ABOUT WHO WOMEN WANT TO BE - MAKE THIS MORE SPECIFIC, WHY YOUR BOOK STANDS APART, WHY IT MATTERS THAT THIS AGENT REP IT - GIVE IT MORE URGENCY.)
My 85,000 word women's fiction novel, If You Listen, explores the dichotomy of what we want and what we need and how if you really listen to your heart you just might find what you want and what you need are one in the same. [I LIKE THAT SENTENCE.]
Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Queries
Reader Comments (2)
Thanks Allison. Your comments make a lot of sense to me and as I write my own query letter. I have seen all kinds of formats for such a letter but this approach and design resonates with me well. If I were the recipient of this type of letter, I would be responsive. Too many other examples I've seen lately are too detailed or too ambiguous or too pretentious! :)
Allison covered a lot of the big issues, so I'll nit pick :)
Just a few quick comments -- in the second to last bit, you call it a "women's fiction novel." Fiction novel is redundant and you may want to call it a commercial women's novel if you think it veers more that way than literary. A few other typos and tiny things, which, believe me, can torpedo your chances; You use the word "spotlight" twice in the third to last graf. You have both a question mark and period after "Am I who I thought I'd be?" (I think you can make that question stronger, ie, "Am I the person I always wanted to be?") A few too many cliches for me: sweeping things under the rug, glare of the spotlight, etc. Maybe find a fresher way to describe?
Sounds like a great book, though! Good luck with it!