Juggling My Head Off
Monday, November 9, 2009 Question of the day: It seems like you wear so many hats - mom, writer, blogger, etc - can you give us a little insight as to how you juggle them all? As a fellow working/writing mom, I feel like I'm starting to drown in everything!
Sure, absolutely. Let me say from the get-go, as I always say when I address this issue, that I have fantastic childcare help, so that, right there, helps me tremendously. I know that I'm lucky to have this, and I also know that not everyone does have this, so I'm always honest when someone asks me about my productivity levels: there's just no way that I could get things done without my babysitter. If you're a mom who doesn't have help, I do suggest that in some way, you ask for it: your relatives, swapping playdates with a neighbor, hiring a mother's-helper for a few hours a week. Anything that can give you a LITTLE time to yourself to focus on your writing AND the person you are outside of your kids.
But I've been thinking about this question a lot since you asked it, and I do think it's more than that. Actually, rewind: let me be clear here - there are times when I am INSANELY busy but there are also times when I'm pretty slow (work wise - intellectually, there might be a case to be made for that too :), so I don't ever want to give the impression that I'm guns-a'-blazing 24/7. Certainly, there are plenty of women who lead busier lives than I do. But, with that out of the way, I think it comes down to two things:
1) I am very good at compartmentalizing. When I am in work-mode, I'm in work-mode. When I'm cranking on a deadline, that's when I am a writer. Period. When I'm not, that's when I am a mom. This extends to parts of my day, as well as overall arcs in my life. What I mean by that is that if I'm in the thick of a book, I close my door, even if my kids are home and maybe want to hang out, and I write. (Weekends are no-work zones for me. Always.) That obligation to my work is there. Maybe I do that for three hours that day, and then I open up my door and go have lunch with my kids. Or maybe it means explaining to them that for those few weeks, mommy really has to work a lot but once she's done, I'll have a lot more time to hang around. My kids get this. They see me working, and they know that I'm there for them - I don't miss anything important, don't miss karate ceremonies, don't miss taking them to school every day, don't miss making them dinner each night, don't miss reading to them at breakfast. I do ALL of these things just about daily, but then, I can close my door, put that mommy-role aside and put on my writer hat. I guess what I'm saying is that I can turn things on and off pretty well, and that works for my family - my kids wouldn't want me hovering over them all the time, and god knows that I wouldn't want to be hovering. When I'm on a really crazy work schedule, they're okay with it because I still find snippets of quality time in the smaller moments of the day, and when I'm NOT on a crazy work schedule, I devote a lot of my time (as much as we can all stand) doing things with them. So I think in that regard, anyone is capable of this: it's about feeding all parts of yourself equally - for me, being a mother is the MOST important job in the world, but you know what, being a writer is important to me too, and my kids know that and see the pride I have in myself, and I think they are the better for it.
2) This pertains back to number one - and not everyone will agree with this - but I simply DO NOT believe that moms have to be all things to all people. And I firmly believe that moms should reward themselves for doing the best that they can - especially working moms who often feel like they come last on everyone's list, often their own. That's definitely one area in which I related to Jillian from Time of My Life, as well as Tilly in The One That I Want - they're so busy running around tending others' needs that often times, no one is tending theirs. And I think a lot of moms can relate to that. So I say - and believe - that you just try your best. I'm not the mom who is going to bake homemade cookies for my son's class dinner (if you followed my tweets last week, ha!). But does he care? Are you kidding me? NO. But am I going to attend the class dinner? Of course! There are ways that I can preserve my energy and not feel badly about myself or my parenting or my sacrifice to my job. I think that often times, we moms really fall into the supermom trap - I can be class mom, I can be a bestselling author, I can be a sexy wife, and a great chef, and a marathon runner, and...well, you get the idea - but isn't that just frigging exhausting??? Isn't that just when you want to throw your hands up and go into the basement and drink a bottle of Merlot until you pass out??? So I don't - don't even attempt that. I give what I can to my kids and my husband and my job, and when I need an extension on my deadline, I'll talk to my editor, and when I need my husband to deal with the kids, I'll talk to him, and I find the ways that I can give pieces of myself - this year, I'm class photographer for my son's class and am working on the book fair and auction at his school - so that I'm committed but not over my head.
All of this is a very long-winded way of saying that I believe in balance. I believe in asking for help. I believe in saying NO, and I believe, when you can, in saying YES. I also believe that supermom is a fictitious entity that makes us strive for something that likely won't even make us happy. I want to run the marathon next year, but honestly, I don't know when I'll find the time to train. And if I can't, and I don't, well, that's okay. I know when to limit myself, and besides, there's always next year too.
Reader Comments (9)
Excellent article, Allison! I'm going to link this to my Writing Mothers group in the Writer's Digest Community. I think the members there could benefit from your experience and advice. Thanks!
You know, I'm starting to agree with you that the super-mom or in my case super-woman is not a reality (not a sustainable one, anyway) but now I have to get myself to stop resisting the loss of some of the things I should sacrifice. Like, TV is easy to cut; time with my boyfriend and dog is a lot harder.
That said, I think if I could compartmentalize as well as you do, then I wouldn't have to sacrifice as much time with them. (TV still probably, but that's OK.) {sigh} So, I need to learn to juggle better. I've known that, but it helps to read from you that that's how you make it work.
Thanks for the insight, and for proudly saying, Women, you don't need to do EVERYTHING!
Agreed 100%!
You just have to let the unimportant stuff slide... I'd never want anyone to look in my closets, and I don't make dinners that take more than about 20 minutes. I exercise by putting the baby in the stroller and taking the dog for a walk and returning phone calls, all at once. I buy myself pockets of time to use for writing, and I tell myself I'll have time later for a cleaner house and a tighter stomach!
Wishing for a New Age husband who cooks and cleans and does laundry. Sigh!
In other words, you are grounded in common sense.
Well said, Allison! I always tell people "don't be so hard on yourself!" but now that I'm a mom, it's so hard to realize you can't do it all. I like the idea of only biting off what you can chew, and then never feeling too overwhelmed.
You are spot on. I am not great at this - I am constantly learning and saying "I need to cut back!" I haven't quite found my balance OR how to juggle all the balls I have in the air. Thanks for addressing this topic - I need all the help I can get!
Absolutely agree with you. I was a single, working mum who brought up three sons alone. By day I worked as a school teacher (to support us all) and by night and at weekends I wrote. I'd always raised my sons to cook and clean, wanting them to grow up to be decent men who would make good husbands. We were poor so they never had all the material things they wanted, and I often said no to them. I also realised early on that I couldn't be perfect, nor give them everything, and that included every piece of my time. The only way we all survived was by me being a bit selfish at times and putting myself first. I wouldn't run them around in an unpaid taxi service, and they were responsible for their own laundry etc. Other mothers (mostly ones who were married and didn't work full time) would be quite horrified at my refusals to turn up at all hours to take and collect from parties and activities.
But ... my sons are all grown up now, aged 26, 24 and 22. They're great - all considerate and caring men who treat their partners (and me!) very well. I'm proud of them. They're proud of me. And they're especially proud of the fact that I'm an author, which would never have happened if I hadn't been so adamant about "me time". So I agree entirely with you, Alison. You do the best you can, you love your kids, but you also look out for your own needs, because without a captain, the ship would flounder anyway!
I enjoyed reading this post. It is so true that moms are pulled in many directions. I have found first-hand that forgetting to take care of yourself is the wrong road to travel. Thanks for your insight!